Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
