So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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