Do you still have your period?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I want a musical about memes.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
