were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We have started to decorate penises.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
