We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
