if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
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