I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
