I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
