GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
