Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
