Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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