About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
