so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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