I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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