I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
