A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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