I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
