My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
