I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
