He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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