nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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