Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's official drugs can't kill me
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
