there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm having to shit out rocks
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
