If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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