Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
