I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
