when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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