Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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