so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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