we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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