Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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