so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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