remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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