the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
