Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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