Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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