Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
