Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
