How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
