I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
