mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
