Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
