Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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