my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
