she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
