i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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