Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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