does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
