your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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