I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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